Represent.

Here are some cases I've been dealing with over the past few days:

Aggravated Assault - man got hit in head with "one of them big cans of ravioli" which he had purchased for his stepdaughter earlier in the day.

Aggravated Indecent Assault - defendant accidentally placed his penis into victims anus while "hitting her with his hammer like this {indicating that he was holding her up off the ground while intercoursing her with routine hip-pumping motions)."

DUI (4th Offense) - blood alcohol level of .46.

Public Nuisance, public intoxication & trespassing - defendant went into WAWA and told all customers entering the store that "they were assholes" and he would "kick their fucking asses."

ALso, I've determined that I only check my cell phone about once every two days and it generally takes me about three days to return a text message and six days to return a phone call.