Represent.

Here are some cases I've been dealing with over the past few days:

Aggravated Assault - man got hit in head with "one of them big cans of ravioli" which he had purchased for his stepdaughter earlier in the day.

Aggravated Indecent Assault - defendant accidentally placed his penis into victims anus while "hitting her with his hammer like this {indicating that he was holding her up off the ground while intercoursing her with routine hip-pumping motions)."

DUI (4th Offense) - blood alcohol level of .46.

Public Nuisance, public intoxication & trespassing - defendant went into WAWA and told all customers entering the store that "they were assholes" and he would "kick their fucking asses."

ALso, I've determined that I only check my cell phone about once every two days and it generally takes me about three days to return a text message and six days to return a phone call.

Toe Infection.

My big toe has been sore and swollen for about a week now. I reckon the toenail on that thing was ingrown due to the roundish way that I trim the nail combined with a new pair of ill-fitting dress shoes. I tried to let the thing heal on its own, but it just kept getting more swollen and more sore. So, seeing as how Leslie is training to be a doctor, I decided to let her go at that big toe with a pair of surgical scissors, some tweezers, nail clippers and some cotton swabs.

She dug around in there for about ten minutes and there was an awful lot of puss and goo shooting out of that toe. Eventually she drained all the goo and pulled out a tiny piece of toe nail that was apparently lodged in the skin of my toe. Soon thereafter the pain & swelling in my toe subsided & I was back to performing my regular daily routine of power lunges & dash sprints.

Lesson learned: cut toenails straight and not rounded.

Michael Jackson was a Fucking Weirdo

Michael Jackson the entertainer/artist died sometime around 1990. Since then he's been Michael Jackson the pedophile and bankrupteur extraordinaire. Some will try to say that Michael Jackson never molested any kids, rather he had some sort of problem with growing up and becoming an adult. Well, that story is complete bullocks.

Here's a picture of Michael Jackson holding Webster. Check out Webster's outfit if you get a chance. He's got brown leather britches, some Buster Brown shoes, and he appears to be carrying a purse.

Buttoning.

I arrived at my designated work zone this morning and while in toilet I discovered my top shirt button had come undone. I attempted to fix the problem, but could not accomplish the task. It's difficult to explain what exactly happened, but my brain was unable to comprehend how to button the button. I kept trying to take the button over the outside of the hole as opposed to bringing the button up through the hole and even though I knew it was wrong I could not get myself to stop doing it this way. I kept having to step away from the situation, shake my head in frustration, and then try again only to fail. Despite my best efforts, my brain would not listen to my commands as to the proper way to button a top button. Eventually my frustration turned into spasmodic fits and I was ultimately forced to take off my tie and unbutton the entire shirt and start from the beginning. Having reset the process I encountered no problems and was fully buttoned and dressed to move.

Crescent City Squeeze Play

Since we last talked I started my new position with the Public Defender & went to New Orleans for a joint bachelor party/college reunion tour.

Cases Worked on Thus Far:
- Mother/daughter crack whores (47y/o & 22y/o respectively) arrested for intent to distribute heroin, prostitution & possession of two instruments of criminality(shotguns);
- 49 y/o Jamaican immigrant arrested for intent to distribute marijuana (2.5lbs) and possession of on an instrument of criminality (9mm);
- 28 year old woman with 87 prior arrests, including 26 felony arrests, arrested for theft. All prior arrests were non-violent theft-related offenses, including identity theft;
- 38 y/o man arrested for involuntary deviate sexual intercourse - namely sodomizing an unconscious person with a broom handle.

New Orleans:
Our trip to New Orleans was covered adequately by Matt Cassity here and Samuel Spratlin here along with a few photos from August provided here.

I would only add: (1) the swamp was surprisingly beautiful, but the swamp boat was too slow and the swamp-people talked too much. I strongly recommend touring the swamp, but make sure you have one of them fan boats; (2) Hurricanes (the drink) are borderline undrinkable; (3) Bourbon Street is worth precisely one day of your life while the rest of New Orleans is potentially habitable as a permanent dwelling zone; (4) if you are using a recipe that calls for cayenne, double the amount called upon; (5) many thanks to Darren for the lodging, the Hilton family for all the towels, Kladge for buying me and subsequently knocking over all my beers, and the old lady that kicked us out of the pool.

Swine Flu

Don't have it yet.

Here's a joke I composed about the swine flu:

Did you hear about the sick cow?

He's got a real beef with the swine flu.

Things I do When Leslie Isn't Around

Leslie is out of town for three weeks on some sort of sabbatical and so far I've been on my own for about a week and a half. Here are some things I do when Leslie isn't around:

- Eat an entire jar of jalapenos for dinner
- Cook hamburgers on the frying pan
- Drink 1-2 beers every night
- Eat all of the food instead of having to share it
- Lock the cat in the storage room during the night

That's about it.